Walking back from the doctors surgery and I saw this little one flitting about. Cheered me up slightly. My anxiety and depression is playing up today and my back is painful. I’m finally getting some physio though, after four years of being fobbed off and ignored, and told it’ll fix itself if I lose weight, or it’s all in my head.

Tag Archives: personal
New Year’s Reflections
Good morning and happy new year.
It’s that time of year again when people make all sorts of resolutions to change their behaviour, usually in some superficial way, for the coming year. As usual, I am refusing to play along. It’s still winter(and will be for another few months), I’m in hibernation mode, so instead of making resolutions I’m reflecting on the past year and considering what I’ve learnt.
This year has been a struggle with my mental health conditions and with financial instability. I think I’ve come to the new year slightly stronger than I was a year ago. I can deal with household crises if I have a bit of back up when I have to deal with companies (thanks Elaine and Dad), and I can make my money stretch to cover the odd treat as well as the bills. I’m still struggling with social interaction. Parties and crowds overwhelm me, too much noise feels like it’s worming it’s way in to my head. I have coping strategies now though and I can apply them. I just have to remember to. I’m remembering to eat regularly and take my medication, most of the time, and I try to not go too many days without leaving the house.
I’ve learnt that there are certain things I need to do to maintain my mental health, boundaries I need to maintain and thoughts I have to question. Just because my mind is telling me my friends are ignoring me and that I’ve been abandoned, (In have massive problems with feeling abandoned by people and always have – there is nothing rational about this) that doesn’t make it real. Just because my brain is telling me I’m an inconvenience to everyone, that doesn’t make it true. I need to express how I feel rather than bottling it up and then exploding with irrational rage. Saying ‘you hurt me when you do/say/etc. this’ is not more trouble than it’s worth. People aren’t going to stop loving me because I’m being honest (and most of them are used to my randomness anyway).
I’ve learnt that I can survive pretty much anything, because I have gone through a lot in the last few years and yet, despite coming close on occasion, I am still alive. I have a job and friends, a supportive family and my meds. This year will be better than last, I’m determined that it will.
Happy New Year
Rose
xXx
Home at last
I’ve only been away overnight but it’s nice to be home, snuggling with my doggies. I had a lovely couple of days in Harrogate with my friends. Continue reading “Home at last”
Yule prep
I’ve got the house decorated.
My cardboard Yule tree, bought from The woodland Trust five or six years ago.
Ezzie approves of the decoration and the new electric fire
[Alter pictures to come next week]
I usually wait until the 21st; I had planned to go shopping this afternoon but my stomach problems are giving me trouble so I stayed home and decorated. I’m also busy this weekend, and not free until Wednesday, so today is a good a day as any.
14th December 2015 general rambling
Evening all, how are you all? I have a cold, I also have Netflix now. That will become relevant later.
Writing Update
I’m working on my novel again, or trying to write every day. The dogs don’t like it, my knee is for their heads to rest on and my hands are for stroking them, according to the Hell Hounds, not for tapping away at my laptop trying to get a novel finished this year. I’m still studying my writing course, but I haven’t been well so I haven’t been working on the current assignment for a few months. The assignment is to write a piece for a travel magazine and to outline another on the same subject from a different angle. I haven’t travelled much so I’ll have to write something about Lincolnshire.

‘Netflix’ and other televisual things
Now I have ‘Netflix’ I can watch a few things that I like or wanted to see. I’ve been working on my ‘A Christmas Carol’ watching mission – how many versions of ‘A Christmas Carol’ can I see in December; I’ve managed two so far. I started watching ‘Jessica Jones’ and a few episodes of ‘Grimm’. I’ve also started watching ‘From Dusk ’til Dawn’, the series. I saw the film that the series is based on years ago, and while the story was good, the character played by Quentin Tarantino squicked me out with his sick rape fantasies. I thought the character of Richie Gecko was going to be the same in the series. Luckily, Zane Holt’s ‘Richie’ is a lot less vile (I honestly think that has to do with the actor rather than the character), and the longer format of a series rather than a film allows for better character and plot development. I’ve just finished watching series one, and am moving on to series two this evening.
I’ve been watching ‘The Last Kingdom’, the BBC series based on Bernard Cornwall’s Uhtred of Bebbanberg books. I really enjoyed it, and luckily so did my dad, so I had someone to discuss it with yesterday now that we’ve both seen all eight episodes. We’ve both read the first half dozen books too. I’ve tried to find my copy of ‘The Last Kingdom’ so that I can compare the books with the series, but I can’t find it. It has to be around somewhere but I still haven’t got all my books shelved and organised after moving more than 15 months ago. I still need at least one more set of book shelves; when I get them I’ll be able to arrange my books by author and series the way I want to. As it is I’m wracking my brains trying to remember the plot and characters. I like Brida much better in the series than in the books, as far as I remember, and Alfred is still as sanctimonious as ever. I really can’t stand Odda the Younger, but then I couldn’t stand him in the books either. If I remember correctly he was the same age as Uhtred in the books, and a large man. Seeing him played by a younger, smaller man who looks barely out of his teens grated slightly. It was nice to see him finally die though, the little scum bag traitor. I don’t like Asser either, but then I didn’t like him in the books either. Leofric was also one of my favourite characters in the series. Uhtred is a really good character and I think Alexander Dreymon is a really good actor.

The series is based on books, which mix history and fiction, and the series does the same thing. The distinctive styles of English and Danish dress and hairstyles, the tattoos and make-up, are deliberate constructs designed to separate the two visually. It’s something I noticed in ‘Vikings’ as well. There’s a distinct preference for the Danes in both series; they get all the best storylines, character (Brida vs. Mildreth), clothes and make up. Both also suggest the English didn’t know how to fight until some Dane came along and taught them too. Clearly neither production team know anything about early Anglo-Saxon history. Shields, contrary to ‘The Last Kingdom’ were circular, wooden and covered in leather, sometimes with decorative fittings. They were fairly successful in warfare if the available sources are to be believed. I do wish television and films would stop messing with history; if you’re going to make a film set in a specific period at least get the details right.
If they make a second series I hope they don’t screw up Æthelflæd, Alfred’s daughter, known as Lady of the Mercians (seriously, look her up, she’s cool. The Danes were going to surrender to her, but she died in the early tenth century just a few weeks two soon). Bernard Cornwall admitted in his books that he made the character of her husband, Athelred of Mercia, in to a much nastier character than he was in reality (again if the sources can be trusted).
Mental Health
It has been a funny month so far. I haven’t been great, to be honest. My brain has been more than a little bit scrambled. When someone says they’ll do something for me then backs out it makes me feel worthless and unwanted, like I’m a massive inconvenience to everyone. Rationally, I know that isn’t the case, but my brain isn’t being rational at that point. It took a few days to get over and I’ve had the odd off day since, but I’m not too bad at the minute. I keep getting tired and need to go to bed really early. But if I go to bed too soon I end up waking up at stupid o’clock in the morning. At which point I get up, wander round the house for a while, maybe do some cleaning then go back to bed and sleep until mid-morning. It’s really messing with my reading/writing/sewing schedule.
Halloween makes me giggle
Or more precisely, the angry rhetoric some people spout makes me giggle. Plus, positive stuff about Halloween.
Continue reading “Halloween makes me giggle”
I’m not eating again
The last week or so has been a bit hit and miss. I haven’t been eating properly and I’ve been spending.money when I shouldn’t. I haven’t been leaving the house much and when I do I’m always exhausted when I get back. Continue reading “I’m not eating again”
Wild Hunt
It’s a dank day here in Lincolnshire; persistent drizzling rain and grey skies that touch the ground in early morning mist. And I am on my way to the cinema to watch The Martian, the book of which I reviewed several months ago; I just hope Matt Damon hasn’t ruined it.
Continue reading “Wild Hunt”
If you go down to the woods today…
You’ll get eaten alive by insects.
Three bites in one half hour stroll round the woods. It’s itchy as hell.
I like the woods, they’re practically on my doorstep and I remember when they were planted.
Continue reading “If you go down to the woods today…”
Work Capability Assessment: The Results Are In
And I’ve been found not fit for work. What’s more, they’ve put me in the support group, so I shouldn’t get hassled by the job center. Seven months after my initial application, and I’ve finally got my answer, it’s such a relief to know now instead of being in limbo. The constant trips to the doctors have been exhausting, I’ll only need to go when my condition worsens from now on, or for unrelated problems. I got the first notification, from the job center actually, rather than the official ESA notification letter, last Saturday. I’ve been waiting to make sure everything was confirmed before I passed on the news.
Continue reading “Work Capability Assessment: The Results Are In”




