Tag Archives: ‘Words..’

At last I present for your delight and delectation the final part of ‘Words, Words, Words.’ I had to finish it, it was turning in to a novella!

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Finally I give in. I search through the bedside draw, (why is it even in there?), ah, there it is, under my notebooks and random bits of jewellery. I pick up the book and take it through to the kitchen in search of vodka.

It’s in the fridge; it’s always in the fridge!

Hmm, what’s that, out in the garden? I’m distracted by a splash of colour in my back garden. I shall go and look.

It’s so beautiful in my garden in summer; I know this because the former owner told me so when I looked around. So far I haven’t had a chance to find out, what with working all hours and collapsing in to bed almost as soon as I get home. However today I shall do something different. Walking through the conservatory, vodka in hand I drop my old diary on the table and carry on out in to the garden. I’ll read it, just as soon as I’ve had a look around my garden in the May dusk.

 

 

Hmm, that was refreshing, but now I think I’ll have a read.

I opened the book up to see what I could find. I laughed through February, that had been a fun month, we’d gone to loads of gigs with Matt and the lads, every weekend it was a different town, or village. I read through March, just a list really of where they were, when they’d be home or if I was going with them. In late March I’d had to stop travelling around with the guys, we were so busy at the shop! That’s when I met Paully, of course. He walked in to the shop and asked me if I needed a hand stacking some shelves. At the time I was in the shop alone and a delivery had arrived. He stayed for half an hour helping me shelve, and then I offered him a job. He was very funny, abnormally tall (6 foot 7 inches – tell me you don’t think that’s freakish?) and very intelligent. We started talking, while we were shelf stacking, about the books. Homer. And not Homer Simpson, but Homer the Greek poet, I’d had some university students in looking for the Iliad and they’d cleaned me out!

Oh Gosh! I did worry about some silly things! When I really should have been worrying about….. ahh, you don’t want to know about that.

You do?

Drat that cat, he’s just knocked my vodka over.

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 19^th May 2012

Another week over, at last!

Been reading my old journal, it’s been interesting I suppose, revisiting my recent past, remembering, though to be honest I’ll never forget how I met Paul. That man is a rock; he got me through so much pain after everything that happened with Matthew. I suppose since I’ve started reading I should finish it. I’ve only got as far as June, I can’t face the rest. When we found my diaries I described 2009 as the year of the great romance, but 2010? Hmm, how should I describe that? The year I lost my heart? The year with three seasons? Oh I don’t know.

Lisa has been trying to do too much again, she’ll do neither of them any good at this rate, but she won’t take time off or cut her hours. She’s swopped over with Paully as well, sometimes I think she’s keeping an eye on me. I know what’s up. Matt and his band are home next month; she thinks I’m going to have a break down or something. So, I haven’t seen him for a while but he isn’t going to break me is he? I’ve moved on, she knows that, so why is she fussing so much, especially now, when her first concern should definitely not be me!?

 

Diary Entry: Tuesday 22^nd May 2012

I finally found the guts to re-read my old diary………..

 

Diary Entry: Monday 24^th May 2010

This is there first day on tour, Matt forgot to ring me. I do hope they are okay; they should have enough money to get them through. They’ve been saving long enough and now that summer is here they wanted to get on the road and really see if they can make it as something other than a local pub band.

I miss him.

 

Diary Entry: Friday 28^th May 2010

Finish at 1pm

Catch 3pm train to Sheffield

Meet lads at train station – remember text Matt as soon as I get to Sheffield

Change of plan, Paully’s sick, got to cover him at the shop, I suppose I could try to get the train tomorrow and meet them then?

Had a message from Matt ‘Don’t worry babe, there’s always next weekend’. Yes well next weekend I have to do a stock check and go visit my grandparents. Maybe I’ll see him in three weeks?

 

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 29^th May 2010

Miffed! Didn’t get away from work in time to get a train! Matt texted though, it was a good night, they’re staying in Sheffield ‘til Monday now, someone’s offered them somewhere to crash and someone else asked if they’d like to do a gig in another pub. Good things are happening for the band.

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 12^th June 2010

I haven’t had a phone call from Matt for two weeks, not since I couldn’t get to Sheffield because I had to work. I’ve had the odd text but nothing else. They are supposed to be in Shrewsbury today, but Matt said there had been a change of plan and they’re in Bristol instead. They’ll be in Shrewsbury on September 18^th now. His birthday is the 19^th, I might make a surprise visit to see them if there’s plans don’t change. It’s a bit of a way, but if I get Paul or Lisa to watch the shop then I can leave in the morning and come home on the Monday morning. I might email Patrick & see if he’ll help?

I hope he rings me tonight. I’ve heard what happens when young men go off touring, but I trust Matt, he would never betray me.

 

Diary Entry: Sunday 13^th June 2010

Matt rang, at half four this morning, or something stupid like that. He was drunk and crying, telling me how much he loved me and begging me to forgive him for being a git about me having to work. I’m going to meet him in Newcastle on Saturday! It’s been so long since I’ve been to Newcastle, and far too long since I’ve seen Matt. Can’t wait!

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 19^th June 2010

Damn the rail network in this country, there’s always something wrong with it! My train was two hours late! But I finally made it to Newcastle. I came to spend some time with Matt but to be honest I’ve hardly seen him. He’s been rushing around apparently and I arrived at a really bad time. Ahh well, I’ll have all of tomorrow, and tonight after the gig, to spend with him. I think I’ll read for a bit, they’re just setting up.

 

Fuck sake, it’s half two, where the fuck is he?

 

Diary Entry: Sunday 20^th June 2010

Basterd! Fuck wit! Arsehole! Nipple nutted cunt!

That feels better. I came home today, early. Matt stumbled back to the hostel at half five, pissed out of his skull. No fucking way am I putting up with that. I told him to go sleep in Pat’s room. I haven’t seen him since he crawled away. He hasn’t text me either, and since I refuse to talk to him until he apologises I won’t.

I’m going to ring Lisa.

 

Diary Entry: Tuesday 22^nd June 2010

Going to Lisa’s for Midsummer BBQ today, still haven’t heard from Matt.

 

Diary Entry: Thursday 24^th June 2010

Pat rang; Matt wants to know what’s wrong with me. Hmm let me think.

They’re in some random village in Nottinghamshire tonight. And then back here for the weekend. Some magazine reviewed them apparently last weekend, they got a really good review so they’re celebrating. By playing a gig at the Green Dragon. I think I was booked months ago to be honest but they’ll make it a celebratory set, or something like that.

Matt promised he’d see me this weekend.

We’ll see.

 

Diary Entry: Sunday 27^th June 2010

Matt turned up this morning with a bunch of roses and a promise to spend the day. He stayed until six, then he had to rush off because they have to be somewhere tomorrow

We’ve talked about a few things. He’s told me that the touring is harder than he thought and he can’t help drinking. People buy them drinks and stuff. Fine I get that they get bought drinks sometimes but he could say no. I know he’s stressed, it’s his saving’s they’re using to finance this tour and sometimes they make a bit of cash and sometimes they don’t but he really isn’t helping the situation by drinking. We talked it out, he agrees with me and he’s promised to cut back. I’m hoping he’ll manage it. I just hope he doesn’t start taking anything else. I know he’s smoked weed before, but most people do at Uni, well that’s what he said. I didn’t. Oh, what the fuck am I going to do, I’m not sure I can cope with this, him being away so often. It’s not even a particularly long tour, what if they get really big and they go off on European tours or to America?

I trust him. I think.

Either I do, or I don’t.

I do.

I think.

FUCK

I’m going to bed; I have work to do tomorrow.

 

Diary Entry: Friday 2^nd July 2010

What a week, I’m so knackered, and Paul’s sick as well so now I’m short staffed. Damn, I’m going to have to go into work tomorrow and Sunday. Time to ring Matt and tell him I can’t come to Cirencester.

 

Well…. I feel like shit.

 

Matt isn’t happy.

 

Ice cream time.

 

Diary Entry: Sunday 4^th July 2010

Matt rang while I was at work. He’s still pissed at me for not meeting him this weekend when I said I would. Lisa took the phone off me when I started crying. She said a few things to him that I’m pretty certain won’t help the situation.

He called me a hypocrite.

Liar. Bitch. Cow.

He said I was cheating on him.

 

Lisa banged in through the shop door.

‘Hey chicky, what you doing here? I thought you and Jimmy were going away for the weekend?’

‘Have you seen the weather?’

‘It’s not that bad.’

‘It’s bad enough; I’m not going camping in this weather. So….’ Lisa dumped her bags on the floor and collapsed in one of the chairs we’d just put in the shop.

‘So what?’

‘Are you going to their gig on Saturday?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Why? It’s not like the clock can go back is it? What have you got to fear?’

‘I don’t know.’

She sat there, watching me, waiting. She knows me far too well!

‘I’ve been reading my old diaries.’

‘Ahh. And?’

‘Do you remember that time I had to work and couldn’t go to see them on tour. The things he said when he rang here?’

‘Errrr, not sure which time you mean?’

‘When he accused me of seeing one else? He called me a few things? You took the phone of him and threatened to rip him a new arsehole I think.’

Lisa went a bit blank and then her eyes sparked, oh yes, now she remembered! I laughed at the look on her face.

‘So I did. What about it? I was more than two years ago now, he won’t remember. And he did apologise, eventually.’

‘Badly, and way too late to be of any use.’

‘True.’ She laughed and pushed herself up from the chair, ‘Look, I know it was a painful time, but you are past that. You’ve moved on and so has Matt from what I’ve heard.’

‘Yeah, I have.’

I smiled at her; I needed to think about a few things. If I hadn’t have read my diaries maybe I’d be more prepared to go to the gig, but I don’t think I can, it’s brought up all those old feelings. This is stuff I should have told Lisa. I didn’t need to, she can read my thoughts, I’m certain of it. I must have spaced out for a while because next thing I know she’s stood in front of me snapping her fingers.

‘Earth to planet..’

‘I’m back, don’t worry.’

‘I think it would be a good idea if you finished looking at those diaries, got it out of your system. I have a cunning plan. Since Jimmy and I aren’t going away this weekend, we shall go to the shop on the way home, get a bottle of voddy and junk food, get a chinky, and then go and put a few ghosts of the past to rest.’

‘And how will I open up tomorrow?’

‘Paul can.’

‘Paul’s running the other shop tomorrow.’

‘Jimmy can run it.’

‘Sounds like a plan. Ring him then.’

I’ll do it while you’re cashing up. Come on, we may as well close up, no-one’s out now anyway, it’s far too manky outside.’

‘Well, I suppose so, it is nearly time anyway.’

‘Right, you cash up I’ll go and close the shutters.’

‘Don’t forget to ring Jimmy.’

 

We were dishing up the curry a bit later, having a laugh and breaking out the vodka and cokes.

‘Come on missis, where’s this diary of yours. I think we should just jump ahead to the bit where we prove he’s a complete and utter shit head and not worth your time?’

‘Really? I’m not sure, can’t I work up to it?’

‘No you bloody can’t, let’s get through this and then we can go to see some decent bands next weekend and you won’t have to feel crappy because of Matt.’

‘We haven’t got tickets yet. I have. And I can probably get you some tickets.’

‘Well, since you put it like that….it’s in the draw in the side table.’

I heard her walk in to the sitting room and open the draw. I had a grin plastered on my face when I carried our plates in to the sitting room. She was already reading my diary.

‘Oh I remember that weekend at Download, it was so much fun.’ She laughed, ‘God, wow, I remember that day.’ She leafed through my 2010 diary, trying to find the pages she needed.

I put her plate on the coffee table and curled up on the settee next to her with my food; she looked up at me then grabbed her food.

‘So,’ she asked me around a mouthful of beef and mushroom curry, ‘how shall we go about this?’

‘You read it, I don’t want to.’

‘Okay. Find the page for me.’

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 18^th September 2010

On the train to Shrewsberry.

The Matt isn’t expecting me but Pat knows I’m coming for a visit. They are due home Monday so we can have a late birthday party for Matt, but I thought I’d surprise him. Be in his hotel room when he gets back. It’s actually the only time since they started to tour that they have booked in to a hotel. Pat told me it was just a cheap B&B really, but it makes a nice change.

I hope Matt likes his present. He’s been wittering about needing one for ages. It’s the best I could find.

Pat sent me a ticket to the gig, I’m going to watch them in the crowd and then Pat will pass me their room key in the confusion afterwards. I go back to the B&B, they get back and there I am waiting for my Matt. Well that’s the plan anyway.

It’ll work out.

 

Ohh, what lovely scenery.

 

‘You got distracted by hills didn’t you?’

Lisa stopped reading to me.

‘What?’

‘On the train, you got distracted by hills.’

‘Nope, I think I got distracted by the trees, and possibly abit by the hills. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it, it’s flat ‘round here.’

We laughed at our silliness. It was well timed, Lisa knew what came next.

‘Shall I read on?’

‘Top up the drinks first?’

‘Good plan that man.’

‘And bring some goodies in with you.’

‘Aren’t you stuffed yet?’

‘Slightly, but there is always room for sweets you know that.’

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that while there are sweets and chocolates there will be women capable of scoffing them.’

‘Too right, now if you want to continue with this torture you’d better bring me sweet stuff. And vodka.’

‘Your wish is my command sweetheart.’ Lisa got up, bowed, grabbed our plates and sauntered in to the kitchen.

I heard her rattling around in there. From the clattering it sounded like she was putting them in the sink.

Rustle. Ahh my sweeties.

Slosh. My vodka. Even better.

‘You didn’t take the glasses with you.’ I twist in my seat, calling to her.

‘Doesn’t matter, I think this might need more than one glass to get through.’

She came back in to the sitting room carrying a shopping bag of sweets (diabetes here we come) and the bottle of Russian Standard.

I felt the settee dip as she climbed back on and mirrored my position. Huddled at her end of the seat and facing me over the bag of unhealthy stuff, then leaning down to grab the bottle to top our glasses up. These drinks will be more vodka than coke at this rate. Fuck it! It’s been a while since I got bladdered, and she really shouldn’t be drinking.

‘Don’t look at me like that. One night drinking in a year isn’t going to do any harm.’

‘If you say so. ‘

‘Well it won’t. Come on let’s get this over with.’

‘You know what’s coming next, why do we have to read it?’

‘Because it’ll help you prove to yourself that you have moved on.’

 

Diary Entry: Sunday 19^th September 2010

The treacherous, selfish, bastard! How could he? How could he! I feel like screaming. I want to fucking kill him!

How could he?

Damn it! Why can’t I stop crying? I hate him! He isn’t worth this much pain! I bet he’s been screwing around all the time. Every time he’s said how much he wished I was there I bet he was thinking ‘thank god she’s not’.

He actually yelled at me for turning up to surprise him for his birthday! He said I was trying to catch him out!

What the fuck? Why would I do that? I trusted him!

No wonder Pat text and asked me to get a room at another B&B. He must have known what Matt was up to! The bastards the pair of them!

I want to punch someone! Anyone, everyone! I want to scream! I tried to ring Lisa, but she’ll be asleep still. I think her and Jimmy went out last night. And it’s still fairly early but I’ll be home by dinnertime. I’ll ring her then.

Gods how could I have been so stupid not to see it from the start.

Pat could at least have hinted that Matt was being unfaithful.

That’s unfair; he wouldn’t betray his brother’s secrets.

At least he tried to prevent me witnessing it.

 

‘I can’t read much more, the inks all runny.’

‘I was crying. All the way home from Shrewsbury. I got some funny looks on the train.’

‘Have you forgiven Pat yet?’

‘Yeah, ages ago. I know he was in an awkward position. He told me not long after that he’d wanted to warn me but didn’t know how to. Go one, get on with reading it.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure.’

 

Diary Entry: Monday 20^th September 2010

11.25 am

I am hiding from the world today, going hermit Lisa calls it. I rang her yesterday; she’s going to come round in a bit with ice cream. Paul and Jimmy have been deputised to run the shop today. Thank god Paul’s competent, Jimmy scares me when he’s left alone with a till.

She’s here, early, great, and I haven’t even had a chance to shower.

8.00pm

Lisa left an hour ago. I have had a shower, I am wearing clean pj’s just like she ordered. We have eaten ice cream. Lisa’s awesome, really she is. I have no idea what I’d do without her, every time something goes wrong, there she is propping me up and pushing me onward with the cry of ‘Don’t let the bastards grind you down!’

So I told her what happened.

When I told her about going to Matt’s room and hearing him with another woman, she asked me all the sensible questions. Was it definitely his room? Yes. Was it definitely what I thought? Well obviously!  I opened the door, he was in bed with a lass, and there were used condoms on the floor, how much less obvious can they have been? He hadn’t even bothered to lock the fucking door.

I think I may have got a bit irate with her. I know Lisa was only trying to help me see clearly but it wasn’t what I needed first thing today.

She’s listened, provided ice cream, tissues and advice. She knows more about this stuff than I do. She’s split up and made up with Jimmy more times than I’ve broken up with all my ex-boyfriends altogether J

So I’m going to listen to her. If he rings I’ll try to talk to him. If he doesn’t I won’t ring him.

 

‘Wow, I didn’t realise I’d upset you. I wasn’t questioning you.’

‘I know. You’re a life saver, you know that right?’

‘Yeah, yeah, don’t get all soppy on me.’

‘I really wouldn’t have managed without you three.’

‘Well, what are friends for? And Jimmy and I weren’t really that bad were we?’

‘Just a smidge.’

‘Hmm, jelly bean?’

‘Ta.’

 

 

 

Diary Entry: Friday 15^th June 2012

Well today’s been interesting.

Pat came in to the shop. It was good to see him, he hugged us all, congratulated Lisa twice over, asked about the shops and our plans for the future. He told us about the tour they’ve been doing. They had a minor place at Download the other week. Apparently they had a great time, and Metallica was fantastic. I wish I’d been able to see that, but I’ve had too much to do. We’d have had to shut both shops for four days. All four of us would have had to go. Maybe next year, if I can find reliable staff that I can trust.

And later we’re all going to meet him in the Green Dragon for a drink.  Time to get ready.

 

Diary Entry: Saturday 16^th June 2012

Pat asked me to go to their gig tonight.

He put a couple of tickets in my bag, told me to bring Lisa out for a bit of fun.

Paul says we should all go, Lisa and Jimmy have their own tickets. I think he might be right. There will be loads of other bands there, at our little local festival, so it’s not like I have to watch Matt and the lads. I probably would though, they were good two years ago, I hear they have become really good now. Fuck it, I’m going to ring Lisa. We shut up at three today. That’ll give us all time to get home and changed. We can have an evening out. Everyone will be at the festival so there is no point staying open anyway.

 

It was late, almost one in the morning, they’d watched the bands, the fireworks and then finally her ex and his band had headlined the first annual music festival. I was tired but happy, pleased Pat and Paul had persuaded me to accept the tickets.

We were heading out when Patricia found us.

‘Hello dears, did you enjoy yourselves, haven’t my boys done so well? Matt would like to speak to you. About something private.’

She eyed Lisa, Jimmy and Paul. I know she wanted me to go alone to meet Matt, but that wasn’t going to happen. Before I could speak Paul saved me,

‘It’s a bit late for that; can’t you see she’s exhausted? If he wants to talk to her, we’ll all come.’ He wrapped an arm around my waist. You should have seen the look on Patricia’s face, but what did she expect really?

‘Well since you insist on coming.’

‘Yeah, we do.’ Lisa assured her.

We all followed Patricia to the back stage area and in the chaos there he was.

I walked away from Paul, Lisa and Jimmy, even Patricia stayed back. I could see the rest of the band behind Matt. They looked like they were preparing either to run or break up a fight. Matt even managed to look humble.

‘Sweetheart.’

‘Matt, I do have name.’

‘I know, but I always think of you as my sweetheart, I’ve even written songs about you. I need to ask you something.’

‘Go on then.’

He looked at me, assessing me I think.

‘Nice haircut. I never thought you’d dye your hair. Won’t you at least give me a hug?’

‘No. Why would I? I haven’t spoken to you for a year and a half, and when we last spoke it wasn’t exactly cordial. So no I won’t hug you.’

I jammed my hands firmly in my pockets to emphasise my point, and to hold back the temptation to do exactly what I had just said I wouldn’t do.

‘I, erm, look I wanted to say, I’m sorry, for, for everything, and, and, I wandered, do you want to give it another try?’

‘What?’ I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Oh lord, nobody had told him.

‘Can we give it another go? I’ve missed you so much, I love you, please can we try again?’

‘No, no, no.’

‘Please, I’m so sorry, please give me another chance. I’ve grown up, I know I hurt you, but please.’

He stopped, because I’d started laughing. Paul ambled towards us. Clearly he’d heard what had been said, but then so had everyone else. It was so amusing watching them all start at his declaration. I heard Lisa bark with laugher behind me and Jimmy’s silly giggle. Patricia seemed to be choking.

‘What?’

‘I really can’t give you another chance Matt.’

‘Why not?’

‘I can’t get back together with you

‘but why?’

don’t interrupt, I’m trying to tell you.’

‘Go on then, why are you throwing my apology back in my face?’

Oh he’s still the same! Time I suppose to give him his answer. I slid my hands from my pockets, slid my right around Paul, flashed my left hand at Matt and told him with the biggest grin ever produced by a living human,

‘I can’t because I’m already married.’

THE END

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Well that’s that one finished. It got a bit long, sorry, and thanks for sticking with it.

 

Rose

xXx

Here’s another 1500 word or so of the short story is posted on Sunday.

Words! Words! Words! part 2

Diary Entry: Friday 23^rd March 2012

It’s so quiet here, I’m alone at the moment, my friends have gone for now. In a couple of weeks we’ll have a house warming party, but for now I just want to make the place home. There’s so much stuff, I didn’t realise how much there would be! The sun is so beautiful today, its only March but it’s warm, sunny, almost summery. Time to shower; I need to wash away the dust! Now, how does the boiler work again?

Diary Entry: Saturday 24^th March 2012

I’ve just realised, this is the first time in a year and a half that I’ve written in a diary. This isn’t a proper diary, just a notebook Lisa brought with her yesterday. It’s funny; ever since I found my old diaries I’ve felt the need to journal again. I usually only do that when I’m unhappy but at the minute life is good. I have a thriving business, and a new home. I’m going to the rescue centre next week and I’m going to get a cat. We can’t have dogs.

Diary Entry: Sunday 25^th March 2012

It’s getting hectic again, with Easter and summer holidays coming up. Nice for some people, we aren’t having a holiday for a few more years, the shop can’t be left for too long, and Jimmy really can’t be left alone too long.

Ahh, well, we have the house to decorate this year anyway.

Diary Entry: Saturday 31^st March 2012

I have two cats! Jessie and Ron! We went to the Blue Cross today, and I could have taken all of them home. But I was restricted to two and two only. And no dogs. There was the cutest chinny ever there. We only have just enough room as it is. I suppose I could put them in the conservatory? Nah, I’m dreaming again. Two cats was one cat more than we were originally going to have.

Diary Entry: Sunday 1^st April 2012

The bloody cats have been attacking the curtains! And yowling all night! Why did I think this was a good idea? Paully rang me from the shop, Jimmy fucked up the till again yesterday, and he’s had to sort it all out again. Hahhah, nothing every changes does it? I’m still complaining about the shop and Jimmy messing up. But things have changed haven’t they? Now I’m happy, two years ago I was happy, but now we have our own home, instead of rented flats, and two shops. Maybe I should look through my old diary, no, I can’t, I don’t want to go through that stress, even second hand.

Diary Entry: Monday 2^nd April 2012

Patricia came in to the shop today; it was a nice surprise I have to say. I haven’t really seen much of her in the last couple of years. We were talking about a few things and for some reason I invited her round for tea on Friday. She told me she only found out that the lads would be home during their tour because she saw it on their website. Matt is such a prick. He could at least have rung her. I never thought he’d be like that, not when I first met him, he was so kind, solicitous, charming even, and intelligent but ambitious. He wanted so much for them to succeed. I’m not sure I like what success has done to him, to all of them really.

I’m not going to look in my 2010 diary. It isn’t worth reliving the pain.

Diary Entry: Tuesday 3^rd April 2012

Lisa came to the shop today; she left Jimmy in charge at the Kingston shop. I sent Paully over as soon as Lisa turned up. I am not spending tomorrow tidying up his mess again! Anyway, we were talking about Patricia’s visit yesterday and then we started meandering down memory lane. We worked it out; at the end of the month it’ll have been a year since we opened the Kingston branch, two years since Paul started working for us, and four since we opened the shop, so we’re thinking of having a party. And some sort of promotional thing in the shops, we’re not sure what yet. I’m going to have to get my thinking cap on!

Diary Entry: Thursday 5^th April 2012

We had a management meeting this evening, Paully, Lisa, Jimmy and myself had a take away and a gas about what we’re going to do for our four/two/one year anniversary. I think we need to do some discounting, maybe ten per cent off everything? But the others weren’t so keen on the idea. Not sure what else to try? But we’re going to have a party anyway, for all the staff. There will be three cakes. Ohh, there’s an idea; perhaps we can give out bags of sweets or bits of cake to customers? But only if they buy something. I’ll tell the gang tomorrow.

Diary Entry: Friday 6^th April 2012

That was interesting. Patricia wasn’t here very long, I think she was just curious to be honest. She had a bite to eat, made small talk, had a snoop about the place and then made some excuse to leave. Well, I didn’t think my company was that bad! But apparently she did. Ahh well, can’t do anything about it I suppose. I was only being nice for old time’s sake. I’m sure she’ll go home and gossip to her real friends about how her famous son’s stupid ex (‘can’t imagine why she left him, my Matthew is an absolute angel’ – I can hear her now J)has got herself a fancy house out of town and two shabby little bookshops. (‘can’t imagine why she thinks she’s so good, just because she’s got a couple of shops’). I’m probably just being bitching and pessimistic. Maybe I’ve read the situation wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Diary Entry: Saturday 7^th April 2012

Home from work and absolutely exhausted. Lisa is supposed to be coming round later to discuss promo stuff, don’t think I’ve got the energy! Someone get me the vodka and lemonade!

Diary Entry: Sunday 8^th April 2012

We didn’t discuss the promo work, instead Lisa found my old diaries again and started reading them aloud to me. I think she has a sadistic streak! Why have I never noticed that before?

Oh and we got very drunk. We don’t often do that these days. Lisa crashed here; Jimmy has gone out with Paul for a ‘boys night out’ in Kingston. Gods only know what state they were in when they got back to J & L’s place, but I think Lisa’s glad she crashed here instead of getting a taxi home. I think we all needed it though, it’s getting stressful at work at the minute and we all needed to blow off steam.

‘So?’ Lisa asked me from the till, as the last customer of the day left the shop. Saturday’s are always the worst and I couldn’t wait to go home.

‘So what?’ I said, as I pulled the blinds over the windows, shutting out the lowering early summer sun.

‘Did you read any more of your old diaries? We had a laugh when we read those few entries from January and February 2010, did you read the rest?’

‘No.’ It had been a month since I’d even thought about them, to be honest. Why was she bring this stuff up now?

‘Oh, why not?’

‘Because I don’t want to rake up painful memories. It’s long over and done with.’

‘Really? Are you sure? Because it doesn’t always seem that way, especially now that they’re coming home for a while and you’re talking to Patricia again?’

‘I’m sure, they are the past, this is now, and we’re quickly hurtling in to the future, why upset everything?’

‘Spoilsport, I wanted to read some more, maybe I’ll take your diary home and read it for myself if you won’t.’ She disappeared in to the back room for a minute.

‘No Lisa, you won’t.’ I told her when she returned lugging the vacuum cleaner (we really needed a new one), ‘If anyone reads them it’ll be me, and I’m in no mood at the minute for a trip down memory lane. And you have other things to think about, including not carrying that damn great thing around.’

‘Stop fussing, do. It’ll do no harm. The doctor said that moderate exercise is good for me.’

I’m home now, and the house is empty, or it feels that way after the busyness of work. I’m going to retreat to the conservatory with a nice cold glass of vodka and a book.

I went to my room searching for something to read. I have thousands of books, I own (well part-own) two book shops, there is no way I should feel like I have nothing to read, but I do.

I hunt round the house for something I want to read, I trail from my bedroom to my sitting room, the second bedroom that’s used as an office back to my bedroom. I feel aimless, thinking over Lisa’s words from earlier. Maybe I should read my old diary? What harm can it do? After all it’s all in the past now isn’t it? I’ve moved on, so has he, from what I’ve heard.

Finally I give in. I search through the bedside draw, (why is it even in there?), ah, there it is, under my notebooks and random bits of jewellery.

_________________________________________________________________________________

That’s your lot so far, I only had a short time to work on it this afternoon. Read please, feedback, so long as its constructive is needed, thanks.

R xXx

Can people please read and leave me some feedback. I’ve got a plan for this but I want to see what people think to the first couple of thousand words.

Words! Words! Words!

‘Hey, look what I found?’ Lisa shouted at me from my former bedroom.
‘What Lisa?’
‘Your old diaries. From 2009 and 2010.’ She came charging out in to the sitting room where I was sorting knick-knacks.
‘Oh, really, well pack them up with those photo albums and the old calendars would you.’
‘Don’t you want to have a read. I like reading through my old journals, the ones from school are especially funny, I was such an emo!’
‘Darling you still are.’ I smiled at her as she fell in to the seat next to mine.
‘Come on, we could do with a rest. I’ll get the kettle on, we can have tea and biccies, and go through your old diaries.’
She laughed when I rolled my eyes at her. She smiled her most winsome, pathetic smile and I caved in with a laugh. It’s a good job I love her.

I knew it was a mistake the moment she opened the 2009 diary; her eyes lit up and she flashed that shit eating grin that says ‘you love me? You’re gonna hate me!’
Why? Ahh, well you see 2009 was the year of the great romance, or the start of it at least.
Diary entry: Monday 23rd November 2009
His hair is red. Not real red. Dyed, anime, shocking ‘Gerard Way’ red. He has the most amazing voice. He came in to the bookshop while I was putting some new YA books on the shelves, some dodgy vampire fic I think, erghh, mass churned out rubbish. He however has better taste. He bought a copy of ‘Flowers of Evil’ by Baudelaire. He sang to himself, he said ‘See you later, sweetheart’, he smiled. Very ‘Ville Valo’ of him, perhaps he’s a fan of HIM? I didn’t see any heartagrams though. He has a pretty smile, he got me at the smile, I couldn’t see past it, those blue eyes of his confused me, I don’t know what I said to him, or even if I gave him the right change 
Ahh, what’s the use of drooling over a random pretty pretty? I’m such an idiot. My libido needs to get lost. I can’t talk to attractive men, I talk too much, or can’t say a word, I laugh too much, make an idiot of myself. No one could be remotely interested in me.
I’m so glad Lisa wasn’t working today; she’d have had a field day laughing at my stumbling. And then she would have told Jimmy!
My friends are evil to me.

Diary Entry: Tuesday 24th November 2009
Oh, gods I’m horny! It was seeing that hot guy in the shop yesterday, I slept so badly!  Time for a cold shower me thinks, then shopping. I’ll have to pop in to the shop to make sure Jimmy isn’t making a mess of the place. I love him but he can be such a scruffy git at times. No wonder Lisa won’t live with him!

Diary Entry: Wednesday 25th November 2009
He was in the shop again today.
Lisa served him; he bought ‘Shakespeare’s Sonnets’ and ‘To kill a Mockingbird’.
I had a chance to look him over properly, since I didn’t have deal with him, oh god I’d love to ‘deal with him’ ; D, he wears tight black jeans and a red leather jacket. He carries a messenger bag covered in band patches and pins.
He smiled at me; I was hiding in the children’s books again. Well I suppose to be truthful I wasn’t hiding so much as tidying. Nobody bothers to tidy up, except me, all the books get put on the shelves willy-nilly. They should be alphabetised.
Lisa’s decided she in love with Jimmy again. We talked about their ‘relationship’. It’s odd, really I don’t think she want anyone’s opinion, she just want to talk to convince herself that she’s doing the right thing, and sometimes it’s just to congratulate herself.
God’s! I’ve just re-read that bit, I sound like such a harpy! I should be happy for them, they’ve been together since we were at school and it works for them I suppose. I’m going to scribble that last paragraph out.
No I’m not. This is my diary; I’ll write what I think. So, I’m a bit jealous, because no one could ever possibly love me the way Lisa and Jimmy love each other, despite their weirdness. I love them both, they’re such a support for me, I’d never have tried to start a business on my own without them!
She thinks the red haired guy is ‘cute’.
Ah Lisa, she makes me laugh so much at times. Last Saturday she wasn’t talking to Jim, but now she’s in love!? I’d worry, but it’s Lisa. Next time Jimmy forgets to get a bottle of milk she’ll probably hate him again. There is something very strange about their relationship.
And she thinks the red haired guy is hot.

Diary Entry: Thursday 26th November 2009
Oh Jimmy, I really do despair of that man sometimes! He’s messed up the till again! Seriously, I’m not letting him back on there until I’m certain he won’t fuck up, I had to spend an hour, (an hour!), this evening sorting out the mess!

Diary Entry: Saturday 27th November 2009
Soooo tired!!!!
We were stupidly busy at work today. I shouldn’t complain, the business needs the income, but I get so tired at the minute.
I’m going out tonight, playing third wheel for Lisa and Jimmy. They want to go to the Red Dragon; there are live bands on or something.
I don’t want to go out, I hate going out, I never go to pubs.
The bands will be shit; L& J will be too wrapped up in each other to talk to me.
I’ll stand out like a sore thumb. I know the sort of bands those two like, rock, metal, loud noise and screamy music. I’m too big, tall and broad, to pull off the ‘rock chick’ look. You have to be all legs and supermodel thin to manage it.
I am not wearing a skirt. Lisa just rang, to make sure I was going to go out with them tonight. She decided to tell me all about her clothes as well. She wants me to wear a skirt. I do not wear skirts.
No one will notice me next to her anyway, I’m too boring. I can’t see what’s wrong with jeans and a clean shirt? My assets are suitably covered and I look tidy in jeans and a shirt. Besides I like my red shirt, it’s comfortable.
Lisa insists that I’m boring, that I should buy new clothes, now that we’re beginning to make a bit of money. I don’t want new stuff.
The stuff she points out when we’re shopping wouldn’t suit me. They don’t make those sort of clothes in heffalump size. My legs wouldn’t look good in a mini skirt – tartan or otherwise.
Damn! Its half seven already! Time to stop scribbling and have a shower, they’ll be here in an hour!

Diary Entry: Sunday 29th November 2009
What an awful night!
I was right, the bands were utter tripe.
I think I drank way too much; I was so bored by it all.
Next time L & J want to go out they can go by themselves.
I’m going back to sleep.

Diary Entry: Tuesday 1st December 2009
We put some decorations up in the shop, since I’m forced to pretend I give a shit about Christmas. Apparently it’s good for business, pulls in passing trade, reminds people to buy presents, same old same old.
That guy was in the shop again, Jimmy spoke to him. I’ve relented and said he can go back on the till but only if me or Lisa are around to supervise.
They talked about music. Jimmy reckons he’s something of an ‘expert’ on rock and metal, but I ain’t so sure.
The red haired guy asked if he could put up a poster in the shop window. He’s a singer, his brother plays the drums, and his best mate plays the guitar. They’re looking for a bassist and the keyboardist left last week.
Jimmy likes to think he can play the guitar, but I’ve heard him serenading Lisa! I have a pair of earplugs hidden under the till for just such an eventuality 
He bought another book, but I couldn’t see what it was this time.
Jimmy wants to go to the ‘gig’. I don’t think I should go. Last Sunday was a disaster, and I don’t like going out anyway. I’ll probably be the oldest one there anyway. The oldest one there on my own probably.

Diary Entry: Wednesday 2nd December 2009
Damn! The shop is dead! What are people playing at? Don’t they know there’s only 22 days left until Xmas, they should be running around like headless chickens in the desperate search to find that ‘perfect’ gift. And where better to find such a thing than my little second hand book shop? Haha, I don’t do xmas! Just call me Scrooge, hmm, perhaps I should have a few copies of Christmas Carol out on display? I’m so bored I’m writing my diary when I should be making money  Fuck it, I’m going to read some more of P& P.

OMFG!!! I’m such a geek!
The red haired guy came in again. He wanted to know if anyone had been interested in his ad for a bassist and keyboardist, or if anyone had asked about the gig.
He asked if I was going.
I think I might have said I would be.
Oh lordy! He caught me reading P&P! How uncool is that? A 25 year old reading Jane Austen? He probably thinks I’m a boring old maid.
Okay, I am, I suppose, but I can’t help it. I’m not attractive, or clever, and I know nothing about music.
See, now I’ve gone and brought myself down again. I’m going back to my book. Oh Mr Darcy! Where art thou?

Diary Entry: Friday 4th December 2009
He was in here again.
Seriously, that man must have nothing else to do. He bought another book today, Edgar Alan Poe this time. He actually tried to make conversation with me, sadly not ‘criminal conversation’ but still. Anyway, Lisa came back from her dinner break at the worst possible time!
We were discussing the emergence of e-books. He’s really clever. But I still don’t know his name.
He said ‘See you tomorrow night’ when he left. I am definitely going to that gig now. Lisa smirked at me when he left. She was looking at me all afternoon; does she know I have a thing for this guy? Oh gods I hope I’m not that obvious, I hope he hasn’t worked that out, it would be mortifying!

Diary Entry: Saturday 5th December 2009
9am
I am NOT going tonight!!!!

1pm
I am going tonight.
I don’t have a choice, Lisa dragged me in to town. We’ve left Jim all by himself in the shop, on a Saturday. It’s going to be a disaster. Oh thank Ingui! Here comes Lisa with my coffee. We’re ‘refuelling’ before she forces me in to more shops.
7pm
I hate my friends.
Why do they do this to me?
What did I do to deserve this?

Diary Entry: Sunday 6th December 2009
I take it all back.
Lisa, you are the best friend I could ever have!
Oh Gods!
He asked me out!!!!!!!!!
His name is Matthew Johnson.
He has an engineering degree – see I said he was clever – but he works in a pub and he writes music. He wants to be a professional singer. He has a beautiful voice.
We are going to meet up tomorrow at Lacey’s for dinner.
Oh Gods! What am I going to do? I have been out with anyone since Antony in first year at Uni.
Why would he even be interested in me?

Diary Entry: Monday 7th December 2009
Well, that was interesting. So….Intense!
He’s so fascinating. We talked and talked, all the way through the meal, then we went for a walk, and talked some more.
I still don’t get what he sees in me.

Erggh, Jimmy really messed up the till again on Saturday. As flying as I was from the date, I still had to go back to work and sort it all out. Really brought me down!

Diary Entry: Wednesday 9th December 2009
I’m so tired, again!
It’s busy at last in the shop; the xmas rush seems to have started. And Matthew was on the phone until really late last night. That man is messing with my sleep patterns! Terrible!
Hah, better go, he’s come on facebook and wants to chat 

‘Hey, it peters out for a while after that, all you’ve written is ‘work manic’ or ‘date with Matthew, yummy’ for weeks after. Where’s the juicy details?’
‘Maybe I’m psychic? Maybe I knew you’d get your grubby hands on my diaries one day and decided not to write anything down?’
‘Nahhh, I’d know if you were psychic. And you wouldn’t have written that stuff about me and Jimmy if you thought I’d ever read it.’
‘Damn! You caught me out once again.’ I laughed at her, there’s a reason (actually there are a thousand reasons) why Lisa is my best friend and her husband is only just behind her in the list of people I love most in the world.
‘So, why did you stop writing?’
‘I was happy. I always write diaries when I’m miserable. That winter I was too happy, and busy, to write in my diary as well.’
‘True, it was a good time wasn’t it? Come on, since I’m not going to get any details, we’d better get some more work done.’
‘Good plan that man.’
‘Oh hey. Did you hear, Matt and the lads are doing a gig at the HotSpot during their UK and Ireland Tour?’
‘Are they? That’ll be nice for his mum and dad. I saw Patricia the other day at the Co-op, she hasn’t seen her sons for a year!’
‘Doesn’t surprise me, Matthew can be such a selfish git.’
‘But Patrick wouldn’t just ignore them?’
‘Hah, we both know that Patrick does whatever Matthew tells him to do.’
‘You can be so cynical at times Lisa. It’s really rather endearing.’

Diary Entry: Friday 23rd March 2012
It’s so quiet here, I’m alone at the moment, my friends have gone for now. I a couple of weeks we’ll have a house warming party, but for now I just want to make the place home. There’s so much stuff, I didn’t realise how much there would be! The sun is so beautiful today, its only March but it’s warm, sunny, almost summery. Time to shower; I need to wash away the dust! Now, how does the boiler work again?

Diary Entry: Saturday 24th March 2012
I’ve just realised, this is the first time in a year and a half that I’ve written in a diary. This isn’t a proper diary, just a notebook Lisa brought with her yesterday. It’s funny; ever since I found my old diaries I’ve felt the need to journal again. I usually only do that when I’m unhappy but at the minute life is good. I have a thriving business, and a new home. I’m going to the rescue centre next week and I’m going to get a cat. We can’t have dogs.