It’s that time of year again when people make all sorts of resolutions to change their behaviour, usually in some superficial way, for the coming year. As usual, I am refusing to play along. It’s still winter(and will be for another few months), I’m in hibernation mode, so instead of making resolutions I’m reflecting on the past year and considering what I’ve learnt.
This year has been a struggle with my mental health conditions and with financial instability. I think I’ve come to the new year slightly stronger than I was a year ago. I can deal with household crises if I have a bit of back up when I have to deal with companies (thanks Elaine and Dad), and I can make my money stretch to cover the odd treat as well as the bills. I’m still struggling with social interaction. Parties and crowds overwhelm me, too much noise feels like it’s worming it’s way in to my head. I have coping strategies now though and I can apply them. I just have to remember to. I’m remembering to eat regularly and take my medication, most of the time, and I try to not go too many days without leaving the house.
I’ve learnt that there are certain things I need to do to maintain my mental health, boundaries I need to maintain and thoughts I have to question. Just because my mind is telling me my friends are ignoring me and that I’ve been abandoned, (In have massive problems with feeling abandoned by people and always have – there is nothing rational about this) that doesn’t make it real. Just because my brain is telling me I’m an inconvenience to everyone, that doesn’t make it true. I need to express how I feel rather than bottling it up and then exploding with irrational rage. Saying ‘you hurt me when you do/say/etc. this’ is not more trouble than it’s worth. People aren’t going to stop loving me because I’m being honest (and most of them are used to my randomness anyway).
I’ve learnt that I can survive pretty much anything, because I have gone through a lot in the last few years and yet, despite coming close on occasion, I am still alive. I have a job and friends, a supportive family and my meds. This year will be better than last, I’m determined that it will.
I’ve been quiet, haven’t I? I haven’t forgotten you, and I’m busy working my way through a variety of books so I can review them for you, but I have been very ill. This cold isn’t giving up easily and I’ve had to spend three days in bed. I’ve also had a household appliance crisis. My fridge freezer died on Christmas Day; the funeral is this afternoon, just as soon as the replacement gets delivered. I’ve been using the freezer as a refrigerator, my kitchen is colder than the fridge. I’m getting quite worried about the cheese.Continue reading “Happy New Year’s Eve”
I’ve only been away overnight but it’s nice to be home, snuggling with my doggies. I had a lovely couple of days in Harrogate with my friends. Continue reading “Home at last”
Evening all, how are you all? I have a cold, I also have Netflix now. That will become relevant later.
Writing Update
I’m working on my novel again, or trying to write every day. The dogs don’t like it, my knee is for their heads to rest on and my hands are for stroking them, according to the Hell Hounds, not for tapping away at my laptop trying to get a novel finished this year. I’m still studying my writing course, but I haven’t been well so I haven’t been working on the current assignment for a few months. The assignment is to write a piece for a travel magazine and to outline another on the same subject from a different angle. I haven’t travelled much so I’ll have to write something about Lincolnshire.
Now I have ‘Netflix’ I can watch a few things that I like or wanted to see. I’ve been working on my ‘A Christmas Carol’ watching mission – how many versions of ‘A Christmas Carol’ can I see in December; I’ve managed two so far. I started watching ‘Jessica Jones’ and a few episodes of ‘Grimm’. I’ve also started watching ‘From Dusk ’til Dawn’, the series. I saw the film that the series is based on years ago, and while the story was good, the character played by Quentin Tarantino squicked me out with his sick rape fantasies. I thought the character of Richie Gecko was going to be the same in the series. Luckily, Zane Holt’s ‘Richie’ is a lot less vile (I honestly think that has to do with the actor rather than the character), and the longer format of a series rather than a film allows for better character and plot development. I’ve just finished watching series one, and am moving on to series two this evening.
I’ve been watching ‘The Last Kingdom’, the BBC series based on Bernard Cornwall’s Uhtred of Bebbanberg books. I really enjoyed it, and luckily so did my dad, so I had someone to discuss it with yesterday now that we’ve both seen all eight episodes. We’ve both read the first half dozen books too. I’ve tried to find my copy of ‘The Last Kingdom’ so that I can compare the books with the series, but I can’t find it. It has to be around somewhere but I still haven’t got all my books shelved and organised after moving more than 15 months ago. I still need at least one more set of book shelves; when I get them I’ll be able to arrange my books by author and series the way I want to. As it is I’m wracking my brains trying to remember the plot and characters. I like Brida much better in the series than in the books, as far as I remember, and Alfred is still as sanctimonious as ever. I really can’t stand Odda the Younger, but then I couldn’t stand him in the books either. If I remember correctly he was the same age as Uhtred in the books, and a large man. Seeing him played by a younger, smaller man who looks barely out of his teens grated slightly. It was nice to see him finally die though, the little scum bag traitor. I don’t like Asser either, but then I didn’t like him in the books either. Leofric was also one of my favourite characters in the series. Uhtred is a really good character and I think Alexander Dreymon is a really good actor.
The series is based on books, which mix history and fiction, and the series does the same thing. The distinctive styles of English and Danish dress and hairstyles, the tattoos and make-up, are deliberate constructs designed to separate the two visually. It’s something I noticed in ‘Vikings’ as well. There’s a distinct preference for the Danes in both series; they get all the best storylines, character (Brida vs. Mildreth), clothes and make up. Both also suggest the English didn’t know how to fight until some Dane came along and taught them too. Clearly neither production team know anything about early Anglo-Saxon history. Shields, contrary to ‘The Last Kingdom’ were circular, wooden and covered in leather, sometimes with decorative fittings. They were fairly successful in warfare if the available sources are to be believed. I do wish television and films would stop messing with history; if you’re going to make a film set in a specific period at least get the details right.
If they make a second series I hope they don’t screw up Æthelflæd, Alfred’s daughter, known as Lady of the Mercians (seriously, look her up, she’s cool. The Danes were going to surrender to her, but she died in the early tenth century just a few weeks two soon). Bernard Cornwall admitted in his books that he made the character of her husband, Athelred of Mercia, in to a much nastier character than he was in reality (again if the sources can be trusted).
Mental Health
It has been a funny month so far. I haven’t been great, to be honest. My brain has been more than a little bit scrambled. When someone says they’ll do something for me then backs out it makes me feel worthless and unwanted, like I’m a massive inconvenience to everyone. Rationally, I know that isn’t the case, but my brain isn’t being rational at that point. It took a few days to get over and I’ve had the odd off day since, but I’m not too bad at the minute. I keep getting tired and need to go to bed really early. But if I go to bed too soon I end up waking up at stupid o’clock in the morning. At which point I get up, wander round the house for a while, maybe do some cleaning then go back to bed and sleep until mid-morning. It’s really messing with my reading/writing/sewing schedule.
I’m trying to get as much as possible written on my novel; instead of doing NaNoWriMo this year I’m trying to complete my first draft of a novel already over 100,000 words long. I have made some progress but not as much as I would like. I have got closer to the finale and I know what changes I need to make to the original short story that acts as the last three chapters of this book. I also need to make some changes to the work I’ve done on the second book, but that’s a job for next year.
I’ve been distracted by the internet and television package I got at the beginning of the month. Yes, internet is a time-stealer, but having catch-up television and a decent digital connection is even worse (I’ve watched most episodes of series 2 of Arne Dahl and all of the ‘The Last Kingdom’ episode several times – thanks BBC iPlayer). I’ve only just joined the 21st century it seems and my brain isn’t coping well.
I’ve been working on my craft business as well, making stock and uploading it to the Listings page on Rosie’s Wonky Creations, and preparing for craft fairs etc. I have business cards for that business now, which I use as price tags at craft fairs. I’m not making any money so far, in fact it’s costing me a bit, but I’m persistent, and it gets me out of the house occasionally.
My brain is being a brat and keeps disturbing my sleep with brain chatter; it just will not shut up. I do come up with some decent ideas though so I don’t mind, except I’m exhausted all the time. My body finally won the argument last night; I went to bed at seven last night and woke up at ten this morning. For the last two hours I’ve been wide awake, busy with housework, craft business stuff and blog updates. Now I want to nap again. This isn’t good; I blame the cold virus currently infecting me.
I might go for a walk to see if that wakes me up. The dogs are still in season so they’ll have to stay home. They’re getting restless with not having a walk for so long, but they’re still indulging in their favourite hobby regularly: napping.
All the not sleeping and being tired, and having a cold, is interfering with my reading schedule as well as my writing schedule. I have some very good books to review for you all, but I haven’t had the energy. I read a bit on the bus yesterday and I’m going to try to dedicate an hour or two every day, but it all depends on my rather dodgy immune system.
I’m home from work and I’ve been able to formulate a few thoughts. I have tried not to talk about religion though, because I still need to get things sorted out in my head about that. I’m not shy about my dislike of the Abrahamic god; he’s a dick. Just because you’re god is a mass murdering wanker doesn’t mean you should be. (I came to this conclusion many years ago, after reading the Bible, rereading it last year did not change my sentiments on the subject).
Actually, scotch that, lets talk about religion then we’ll get on with the politics. The vile specimins of humanity that carried out these attacks do not represent all Muslims any more than Fundamental Protestants or conservative Catholics represent all Christians, etc. My personal opinion is that if your god condones mass murder that’s a god you should avoid. Unfortunately people draw on their beliefs to validate their hatred of others; religion cannot be taken out of the equation, but it is more complex than religious = bad, not religious = good. Let’s not forget that this is about human beings not Europeans against Middle Eastern people, or Muslims and Christians, or secular vs. religious. People will focus on the religious element and ignore underlying causes for these atrocities, because it’s easier to say that this group or that religion are evil,than to look at the history, the reasons behind the behaviours, the contributing factors, the reason people turn to religion to justify hatred.
I’m watching the news, about Paris. In a comments of a blog I read several people have mentioned other massacres yesterday, in Baghdad and Beirut;I followed up by checking the BBC website. In total, approximately 180 died and hundreds more injured yesterday – 127 in Paris, 40 in Beirut, 25 in Baghdad – there may be more deaths to be added. Daesh (IS,ISIS, ISIL) has claimed all three attacks; in the Beirut and Baghdad cases it seems there was a sectarian element, Shia areas were targeted.
It’s heartbreaking, all of it. So many deaths for no reason, so much pain caused for no reason.
I saw a video on Facebook a couple of months ago wherein a woman with a giant lump on her arm gets her boyfriend to take a razor blade to said lump.Continue reading “Infection”
I was lying around in bed the other day, feeling exhausted because I’d had a busy few days – human interaction is draining – and also feeling guilty because I wasn’t doing anything productive.
Everything Is Better With Dragons 
